dear j.,

as near as i can tell, it’s been about 5 years since we went our separate ways.  yet, here we are all these years later and rare is the day that you don’t cross my mind at least once.

in fact you’ve been in my mind much more as of late; of course, some of that can be attributed to my recent trip to phoenix – i don’t know, do you even live there any longer?  i don’t mind telling you i was a bit trepidatious heading to your city – what would we say to each other if we ran into each other?  of course the chances of running into you are a hundred to one, but really, the net of it is i miss you.

i just woke up from a dream that featured you.  it was very nice and comforting.  it makes me miss you even more.

so i’m not even sure what ever happened between us.  of course, your relationship with b took some of the energy, and i expected that.  and then you and b moved to phoenix, of course more of the energy went there.  and that last visit of mine to phoenix to surprise you for your 30th birthday, well let’s be honest – that was just strained.  and  then you just stopped responding to my calls and emails.  to this day, i don’t really know what happened.

we had begun to stray from each other even on that trip.  i mean, i was always less into the wild party scene’s than you (that never seemed to be a problem before), but even on that trip it seemed that the chasm was deepening and by the end of that weekend, i think we could barely stand each other.

that trip, when i look back on it, makes me very sad.  you were the grace to my will (or in truth, much more the karen to my jack) – we were so tight for so long…life without you in it is just a little less interesting.

certainly it wouldn’t be too far from the truth if b was the cause of some of the challenges; i mean, i never particularly cared for how he treated you (you deservesomeone so much better – but hey, it’s not my relationship so i tried to stay out of it, i really did), and it was always pretty clear that he at best, tolerated me.  run-on sentences aside, if that really was the reason our friendship ended, it makes me even sadder.  i mean, to let a guy come between us?  that’s just so hollywood, so cliche.

i don’t even know, are you still with him?  i know you loved him, and i loved seeing you in love – that part always made me happy, i just wish i could have liked him as much as some of your other boyfriends. 

someone very close to me just told me the other night that with me, it’s all or nothing – there’s no grey area and i guess that’s true.  at least with you it was.  i know the minute i started feeling like i wasn’t valued in your life, my ego got bruised and i said a big fat fuck offto the whole thing (i can be so god-damned stubborn).  of course that was the wrong response.  maybe i should have called you and said ‘hey, where are we at’.  at the end of the day of course, i can’t change the past – i can only learn from the lessons, right?  for me, it was like, ‘fine, if she doesn’t want me in her life, i don’t need her in mine’.  but at the end of the day, my life was always more interesting with you in it.

so i guess what i’m saying is i’m sorry.  i’m sorry for the part of all this that i could have, natch, should have handled differently.

this is my way of letting go of all the energy / sadness / anger / disappointment.

maybe one day our roads will cross again, who knows right?  as cheesy as it is, i still think about you and wonder about you and where your life has taken you. 

at the end of the day, i do hope your happy.  that’s all i ever wanted for you.

love always (no matter how big the distance is),


p.s., johnette is playing minnapolis on monday.  i’m going of course.  but i’m sure to be thinking of that one night where you and i were crushed up against the stage at first ave.  watching cb, what a night that was. 

-“thinking of you underneath the mexican moon” ~ concrete blonde “mexican moon”

– “she was asking about you again, your llorona / so what should I tell her, so
what should I say? she thinks you are coming back, your llorona
she swears you are coming back to her one day.” – concrete blonde “your llorona”